[Hipster scouting: Coney Island]

Saturday, August 2, 2008

This video, brought to you by Annoying Hipster Douchebag, is exemplary of many things hipsters do not like.

A) Bands that market to hipsters

The social events in a hipster’s life will often revolve around going to shows and hearing shitty bands that nobody likes, especially the hipsters in attendance. The reasons for this are elusive and myriad but I suspect the prime motivation for this behavior is that by suffering through Just hope the pharmaceutical industry doesn’t catch on to this form of self-medication and start funding said bands by forcing them to promote their products. Good music as we know it will then become a thing of the past.

But although witnessing live music for the hipster can be an emotionally painful experience (this explains the lack of movement and/or smiling during performances), it is beneficial in the sense that after attending said shows, the hipster will automatically gain hipster street cred by having endured. This is similar to the phenomenons of getting tattoos of meaningless symbols and going to church.

B) People

You heard it straight from the hipster’s horse’s – bad joke – mouth (the only thing hipsters and horses have in common is the desire to graze in fields – and to be ridden, occasionally, by a wealthy owner.

Check back at a later date for more to come on this topic. …

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#2) Being spontaneously photographed

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Hipsters love to have their picture taken. Every snapshot is one more chance to achieve the perfect myspace profile picture. But they hate being captured as the rest of the world sees them, spontaneous and digitally unaltered. If you approach a hipster and ask to take his picture, he will either:

A) Oblige, but spend five entire minutes attempting to portray “distant indifference” while shaking his bangs so they fall in the perfect asymmetrical pattern. Then, unless he is in a hurry (note: hipsters don’t actually hurry; they only occasionally quicken pace to give the appearance that they have something more important to do than talk to you), he will inevitably force you to show him the image after and retake it if it does not meet his standards. If it excels his standards, he will insist that you email it to him, further lengthening the encounter.

or B) Contemplate why you want to take his picture, become extremely self-conscious, angstily refuse, and proceed to question his identity, become depressed.

This becomes problematic when attempting to capture true hipster essence. In order to avoid the bad karma of inducing a midlife crisis on your subject (note: while the life expectancy of the average American as calculated by the Centers for Disease control is 77.8 years, the life expectancy of the average hipster according to my own precise calculations is 28 years, so it would really be more like an over-the-hill crisis) or wasting time, I devised an unobtrusive and surefire method to capture hipsters on camera in all their unsuspecting glory.

My lovely assistant will demonstrate:

Have your friend position herself next to the unsuspecting hipster and pretend to take her picture.

Step 1: Have your friend position herself next to the unsuspecting hipster and pretend to take her picture.

Position yourself at an angle that optimally captures both your friend and the angst radiating from your subject.

Step 2: Position yourself at an angle that optimally captures both your friend and the angst radiating from your subject.

More on hipster life expectancy below the jump –>