Such as it is the common child’s goal to become an “astronaut” or “teacher” when they grow up, it is every hipster’s dream to work at the American Apparel factory. In this fantasy, they have access to all the hand-crafted onsies and leggings they could ever want and have regularly scheduled orgies after lunch, which consists of empanadas and Colt-45. But they may want to go back to the drawing board as there is one aspect of the job they have likely overlooked — namely that all AA factory workers risk losing fingers and other extremities to the sewing machine after being startled by CEO Dov Charney rampaging through the factory in a new underwear product and Hooters tank top.

Also, judging from that one guy’s medical-grade mask, the workers risk contracting SARS as well. And to throw one more bowling ball upon your shattered hipster dream, from this video it is apparent that 97.5 percent of the workers in the American Apparel factory are neither American nor do they wear any sort of stylish apparel (although one could easily smuggle out dozens of onsies and leggings at a time under those jumpers). It’s a good thing hipsters routinely get 12 hours of alcohol-induced sleep per night; they’ve got some dreaming to do.

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Video referred by Howard Duesterberg for Stuff Hipsters Don’t Like ©2008

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#18) Pregnancy

Saturday, September 20, 2008

There is nothing more humiliating to a hipster than when her thrift-store bought maternity dress stops being ironic.

Tonight, a hipster will be impregnated. Maybe she’ll buckle to the baristo at the local coffee shop, seduced by his beard and self-aware Exxon-Mobil trucker hat. Perhaps it will be that V-necked charmer at the dive bar who claims to be Ariel Pink’s tour manager. Or maybe it will just be that guy whose filthy apartment she’s been sleeping at for the last month so she doesn’t have to pay rent.

Hipsters are very torn about pregnancy. On the one hand, they don’t have any problem with abortion seeing as they got their BA in post-structuralist conceptual astrology and have endured hundreds of hours of NPR, Ira Glass’ infanticidal socialist drone lingering in their subconscious. On the other hand, being pregnant is kind of cool. It gives them some sort of purpose in an otherwise directionless post-graduate existence. In fact, some hipster girls dream of having a traditional nuclear family. They fantasize about their husband handsomely dressed in wool flannel and Ray-Bans returning home from his long shift at the record store and coddling their infant son decked out in a vintage neon Morrissey romper.

That said, most of the time they just get an abortion.

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