Lola’s back bitches!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

And better than ever.

To preface this, I should remind you all of one thing that you may not have known, but definitely should:

/smirk.

OK. So, Lola just drank a bottle of pinot [on a work night! *gasp*], and so she is feeling a bit saucy and self-assured. But I assure you, my dear hipster readers. It is with good reason.

You see, I recently got an invitation to blog with my very favorite blog in the world. In fact, it is the blog who’s link love in the first week of this whole blogging endeavor made me stop and think, “Whaaa… people actually read this??”

So yes, I am now going to be posting over at your one stop shop for the most hipsterlicious shit on the web:

My new blog turf

My new blog turf

And there you have it! A blogging career based on observing hipsters in their natural habitat and slowly becoming indoctrinated by the tribe, all the whilst fighting corporate corruption and giving into it at the same time, maintaining my hipster image to blend in while doing what I can to resist full conversion—it’s all led me here.

So check me out.

Here’s my first post, which is the video that makes me happy every single time I watch it, which is pretty much daily… sometimes multiple times a day if it’s “one of those days.”

Enjoy!

<3

Lola

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[Hipster scouting: The Interweb]

Thursday, November 27, 2008

If you are a blogger, you know the addictive fun that the administrative view of a site can bring. So, in light of the fact that I haven’t posted for over a month and my stats are still holding strong, I decided to post this list of amazing search terms I have been collecting since the inception of this blog just for you, devoted hipster readers.

For those unfamiliar with the art of blogging, these are the terms people have typed into Google or other search engines that landed them at my blog, accidentally or on-purpose…

Read the rest of this entry »

My hipster dilemma – part 3

Thursday, November 27, 2008

An artist's rendition of my hipster dilemma.

An artist's rendition of my hipster dilemma.

Things are starting to get weird. I’ve been waking up at 8:30 to be at work at 10 am every week day — an oddity since my natural waking time is between the hours of 2 and 4 pm — working all day every Saturday and Sunday nights. Well, OK. I usually wake up at 9:30 and get to my day job at 10:30, but nobody cares… hopefully. AND, I can wear whatever the hell I want (read: NOT corporate attire).

This workforce regularity seems to suggest I am falling away from hipsterdom. If one were to examine this piece of evidence alone, it would be reasonable to predict that, within the month, I will be going to the opera and learning to cook. However, an expert researcher and blogumentary maker such as myself always looks at the larger picture, which is best illustrated by this g-talk conversation between my good friend Howard Duesterberg and myself..

Read the rest of this entry »

[Where’s Lola?]

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Greetings hipster readers!

By now, many of you may have been wondering where I am. You don’t have to write furious comments demanding my immediate blogging — I know how much I am missed.

Anyway, I have a pretty good excuse for slacking on the posting that doesn’t involve me falling into a vicious cycle of feeling increased pressure to be productive, getting anxious, letting my ADD drive me into a state of torpid procrastination thereby enhancing the pressure and worsening the cycle. Yes, it’s a much better explanation than that.

I got a job!

Not just any job, either: Pretty much my dream job. I’m working for the online section of my favorite publication managing a syndication of blogs that is the largest of its nature in the world. The company is relatively new and innovative and has the potential to drive social change in the most important of ways, so I am really happy to be there.

I know what you are thinking: “What could be more important than blogumenting about hipsters?!?!” Shh, I know. I agree with you that what I do here is important, and writing this blog makes me happy for the most part. That is why I will continue to post! It may not be as frequent as it used to be, but I should still have some free time… hopefully. You may have thought I was going to crap out. I even considered it, to keep from getting overwhelmed, but, nah. Quitting is for smokers — who are ready. And I am just not ready to quit. Shut up, mom.

So, bare with me and continue to enjoy my hipsterlicious prose!

#19) Thinking about the economy

Friday, September 26, 2008

By now, most Americans have at least some inkling that the United States is in the midst of a grave economic crisis. But after scouring Bedford Avenue and interviewing various individuals who seemed to be outwardly “hip,” I have come to the conclusion that hipsters do not have the slightest clue about anything relating to the economy, possibly less so than the average American (see graph).

In order to help hipsters understand what is going on with major Wall Street financial institutions and the American economy, I have devised a simple analogy to outline the situation in terms hipsters can understand.

Let us pretend that the major players involved in the crisis are the members of the traditional hipster family, in which we have:

  • Daddy Warbucks, the successful businessman with several overseas bank accounts (the American Government)
  • The two beloved children, we’ll call them Fannie and Freddy (The Federal National Mortgage Association and the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation)
  • The second wife (the American economy)
  • The coke-head hipster stepchild (recipients of the $700 billion bailout plan)
  • The hipster’s drug dealer (foreign investors)
Read the rest of this entry »

Such as it is the common child’s goal to become an “astronaut” or “teacher” when they grow up, it is every hipster’s dream to work at the American Apparel factory. In this fantasy, they have access to all the hand-crafted onsies and leggings they could ever want and have regularly scheduled orgies after lunch, which consists of empanadas and Colt-45. But they may want to go back to the drawing board as there is one aspect of the job they have likely overlooked — namely that all AA factory workers risk losing fingers and other extremities to the sewing machine after being startled by CEO Dov Charney rampaging through the factory in a new underwear product and Hooters tank top.

Also, judging from that one guy’s medical-grade mask, the workers risk contracting SARS as well. And to throw one more bowling ball upon your shattered hipster dream, from this video it is apparent that 97.5 percent of the workers in the American Apparel factory are neither American nor do they wear any sort of stylish apparel (although one could easily smuggle out dozens of onsies and leggings at a time under those jumpers). It’s a good thing hipsters routinely get 12 hours of alcohol-induced sleep per night; they’ve got some dreaming to do.

_______________________________________________________

Video referred by Howard Duesterberg for Stuff Hipsters Don’t Like ©2008

[New contributor: Howard Duesterberg]

Saturday, September 20, 2008

 

It is my great pleasure to introduce a new literary contributor to SHDL, Howard Duesterberg.

Howard hails from Silverlake, Los Angeles, an area known for its dive bars, palm trees, shady motels and rampant population of Cal arts graduates. He was an early inspiration for this site, and rose to prominence after having his picture posted on The Cobrasnake.

Keep an eye out for Howard’s posts, which will surely be ripe with perceptive hipster commentary!

___________________________________________________

Picture of Howard by The Cobrasnake.

#17) Being forced to move to Bushwick

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Choo choo! All aboard the S-Train, hipster real-estate seekers!

Choo choo! All aboard the S-Train, hipster real-estate seekers!

Although I do not identify with being a full-blown hipster, I openly admit that I have some hipster traits (call me a hipster chimera if you will). One trait that I currently share with the non-trustfunded hipster (which is a much more elusive breed than its well-off counterpart) is the state of being really effing broke (moneyless!). This, coupled with my inability refusal to enter into the corporate jungle or serve others prepared food with a smile on my face (even though I am not happy to be there) presents quite a predicament.

So, with less than two weeks remaining before my sublease squatting arrangement is up, I have been grudgingly doing something that many-a-hipster has been forced to do over the past few years due to the powerful financial forces of yuppienization pushing the hip out of Williamsburg: I have been looking for an apartment in Bushwick.

Read the rest of this entry »

[A public service announcement]

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Dear readers,

I was going to continue blogging not acknowledging the drama that occurred at the Mr and Miss Williamsburg Pageant. But apparently, some of you feel the event requires further discussion.

I included the event in this blogumentary because I had a perspective that no other writer did. I mean, I couldn’t not blog about the glory, the treachery, the deceit that comes along with hipster pageantry. Some people were exposed, hurt; lives were ruined. To which I say, with the utmost seriousness: How ironic.

And yes, I participated in the event to recruit new readers, which were introduced to all the hipster scouting goodness thanks to FREEwilliamsburg, Gothamist, The NY Press, Gawker, and even The New York Times. Why these people care about a hipster pageant is beyond me. But hey, it’s better than reading about Paris Hilton I guess.

So now that I have all of your attention…

Hipsters fucking HATE John McCain. And well, everyone hates Sarah Palin. Don’t even get me started.

That’s all! Check back soon for more hipsterlicious updates on the new version of the site, which will hopefully be up soon.

♥Lola

#16) Looking directly at things

Sunday, September 14, 2008

You know you want these. You need them to survive.

You know you want these. You need them to survive.

The human eye is one of the most intriguing components of human physiology. Scientists have studied the organ for centuries, using its points of divergence from our animal relatives to map evolution on phylogenetic trees and debunk Creationist lines of thought evidenceless fantasy myths.

But even more interesting to researchers than the human eye is the hipster eye, which differs from the normal human eye in a variety of ways, some of which are light sensitivity, magnification and overall perception. In fact, sociologists and behavioral psychologists everywhere are rejoicing in light of new evidence suggesting that the hipster eye is, indeed, a mutant phenotype; for this is the evidence they have been searching for far and wide to explanation certain anomalous hipster behaviors. [Note: Those afflicted with this condition are said to have Hipster Eye Deficiency Syndrome (HEDS).]

One such behavior that has baffled researchers for years is the tendency of hipsters to avoid daylight at all costs. While this is typically attributed to hangover symptoms, HEDS explains data that previously did not make sense. In past research, when comparing the capacity of people to make it to work on time the day following a night of binge drinking, there was a large discrepancy between the population of Williamsburg and the population of Manhattan.

This data may be confounded by the fact that there is a much higher overall rate of employment In Manhattan than in Williamsburg.)

(Note: This data may be confounded by the fact that there is a much higher overall rate of employment In Manhattan than in Williamsburg.)

Read the rest of this entry »

[Hipster Scouting: Beacon’s Closet]

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The other day I did something that I will admit is one of my closet hipster likes — I went shopping at Beacon’s Closet (pretty much the hipster equivalent of Macy’s or Bloomingdale’s).  OK, so it’s not very closeted after my last post, and it’s not just a like: it’s a borderline obsession.

It was during this 4 hour session of mindless self-indulgence that I realized something profound.

There is a saying that some people (usually over-the-hill relatives) like to use, most likely when attempting to relate to/console troubled teens: “We all put our pants on the same way — one leg at a time.” (“Sonny.”)

I was trying to find the perfect attire to wear to an event I will be attending on Friday (more to come on that later) and I went so far as to try on the red flag of hipsterdom: skinny jeans. Believe it or not, it was my first time attempting such a feat. I tried on maybe 10 pairs, wrenching and wrestling with them as their seams squeezed the life out of my ankles! I thought I had found a semi-acceptable pair, a black and white-vertically striped garment that made my ass look incredible, but fortunately I could not button the button for fear of my GI-tract. If I could have I probably would have been forced to buy them and then it would all be over.

It was then I realized: Hipsters do not put their pants on in any way remotely similar to other human beings. Hipster pants-wearing requires types of stretching, twisting, muscular lifting and jumping that average people only do when training for certain Olympic sporting events.

Sorry, Grandpa.

It was also during this shopping venture that I learned those calculator watches actually DO have a purpose and are not just worn to achieve the “nerdy chic” look: They are for hipsters to calcualte their totals at Beacon’s Closet! I spotted one poking furiously at one as he exited the dressing area! Who knew?

[Stuff I Don’t Like: WordPress]

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Dear hipster lovers/haters/in-betweeners,

Over the next week, this site (that you love so much) is going under the knife! WordPress, the blogging platform that I’ve been using to deliver you cunning hipster commentary: so passé. I am tots over it. Massive reconstructive surgery will make it easier for me to work and for you to enjoy the site all-around. Posts might be sparse for the next few days while I work on this but once it’s all converted I will be more inclined than ever to bring you the latest from the Hipster Embassy AKA Bburg.

Stay cool,

(But not too cool because that would be super un-cool)

♥ Lola

Also, while drinking hard cider with my web designer yesterday and watching a crazed hydraulic excavator come inches from smashing passing cars (lol!), we made up this joke:

Q: How long does it take a hipster to get to McCarren Park?

Read the rest of this entry »

#14) Dancing

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Every weeknight, clumps of hipsters set off to journey through the streets of Williamsburg. They have two goals and two goals only: find a dance party and get laid. To the untrained observer, such as a tagalong roommate who wants to know where the distant hipster is going all dressed up in the American Apparel dress she can only wear once seven times as an actual dress because it will shrink to 65% of its original size after the first wash, it would naturally follow that the reason for wanting to be in a locaiton where dancing occurs is to participate, as most humans find dancing to be an exhilarating and sometimes cathartic experience that often leads to a release of endorphins and occasionally sexual intercourse (hella endorphins!).

Read the rest of this entry »

It was my best friend’s going away party. She was leaving for France the following morning and her roommate threw her a bash so that hopefully she would still be drunk when she got on the plane. Over the course of the night, I sought the biggest hipsters I could spot and struck up conversations, discretely studying my subjects in the wild. I anticipated encountering some awkward pauses and music elitism galore, but I never expected I would end up shooing coke-head hipster secret society members out of my friend’s bathroom.

There were four of them; three were clad in identical skin-tight black jeans and an assortment of black and white shirts and black leather jackets, and the other one (I can only assume he was the leader) was sporting a plaid button-down. When I commented on one of the jackets, the SS hipster disclosed that he got it at Beacon’s Closet for $20! During introductions, SS Hipster #1 did not hesitate to inform me of his self-importance.

“Yeah, I’m in a secret society,” he said nonchalantly, tossing his bangs.

“That’s cool,” I said. “What’s the point of it?”

“Yeah…” he started, a faraway look in his eyes, “I can’t really talk about it. You know. It’s a secret society.”

“Oh yeah, whatever. It’s fine,” I replied. “I’ll probably be tapped soon anyway.”

Later on that night they invited me to join! “Ah, sorry, I’m already in two others.”

When the party started to wind down, my friend’s roommate left for the bar with his posse, leaving just a few us to proceed with drunken goodbyes. But then all of a sudden, the hipster secret society members were back and snorting coke in my friend’s room!

I don’t know what it is about secret society hipsters that makes them think it’s OK to be the last people at a party where they don’t know anyone where even the host is trying to leave, while they wait for their friend to “use the bathroom” for 15 minutes (I fear for her nasal cavity!) but like, that’s gotta be a party foul on some level. It’s cool though because I had the opportunity to take this photo and blow their cover! In the absence of my photographer, I had to revert to my tried and true hipster-photography method of inserting a plant into the pic.

Tap this!

Tap this!

__________________________________________________________

Photo by Lola Wakefield for Stuff Hipsters Don’t Like ©2008

Expert Photoshopping by Laine Stranahan for Stuff Hipsters Don’t Like ©2008

This bodega-robbing pageant creator actually asked me interview her. That's kind of narcissictic, but whatever...

This bodega-robbing pageant creator actually asked me interview her. Me thinks that's pretty narcissistic, but whatever...

I e-met this hipSTAR after our pet projects were featured 2 posts away from each other on FREEwilliamsburg.com, which I’m sure you all check daily, if not by having the page perpetually open and refreshing the screen every few minutes or so. After robbing a bodega and creating the Mr and Miss Williamsburg Pageant as retribution, Misha became an infamous icon in the hipster realm, attracting a stream of comments with such sentiments as “I hope your eggs fall out Misha,” “i hope you fall onto the L train tracks” and “lousy fucking bitch-cunt,” among others. But shrugging these comments off with skilled nonchalance, her pageant will prevail – and be attended by Gawker.

Mischa reached out to me through email and suggested that I participate in her pageant. I wrote her back, commended her for robbing the bodega (which started this whole escapade), and graciously agreed to participate. After that, we emailed each other back and forth so much that we automatically popped up on each others’ g-talk lists, and so the conversations began.

One day, Misha said, “I’d love to do an interview.” My narcissistic inclinations shining through, I asked when she wanted to interview me. Her narcissistic inclinations trumping mine tenfold, she explained that she was asking me to interview her.

In the midst of awkward confusion, Misha suggested that we “shake up the medium” and interview each other, and so this interview was born. Hopefully, it will satiate everyone’s narcissistic inclinations:

Lola: So Misha, judging from some of the comments on websites that featured your pageant, it appears that hipsters don’t like you. Do you generally find this to be true?

Misha: First of all, thank you for recognizing that I am not a hipster. Although by many accounts, that very denial would make me one.

Lola: This is correct

Read the rest of this entry »

#10) Police ruining their dance parties

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Like a good “citizen journalist,” I’ve been keeping tabs on the aftermath of Saturday’s riot hipster pseudo-mob party thing.

Turns out, five people ended up being arrested for things like “resisting arrest” and “inciting a riot.” That’s interesting that when other people pull someone the other direction as he is being grabbed by a cop, it is the person being grabbed’s resistance! I think the NYPD should invest in some lessons in physics to provide cops along with their first-class police training. It is also amusing that playing good music and sprinkling water droplets are not only illegal, but considered things that are capable of inciting riots. I will be extremely careful now to only play Cold Play and Fall Out Boy at work, otherwise the customers may start chanting and smashing computers!

Also in addition to the first YouTube video that was posted by Froozalicious, there are now a few more videos online that you can see here and here.

One of them looks like it is of a cop trying to attack a camera while it was video taping him. I would like to request that all members of the NYPD immediately join the facebook group, “I AM DEAD TO THE 21st CENTURY WORKFORCE; and I smash machines.” Better not let them use your computer to do it though.

The vids are from the same people who brought you that footage of that guy getting punched off his bike by a cop. (lmao! Sorry, I’ll bet that hurt a lot and it’s pretty fucked up that that happened, but omfg it’s fun to watch.)

Hello world!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

This is a scientific approach to highlight and explain stuff hipsters don’t like. They are pretty predictable.