#13) Sports

Friday, August 22, 2008

So far in the Olympics, the American team is achieving victory over China on the overall ranks, taking 31 gold medals, 36 silvers and 35 bronze! Michael Phelps won eight gold medals! For the average American, delivery of this news would be met with emotions ranging from slight satisfaction to raging excitement, possibly prompting a high five or even a leaping chest bump.

But for the average hipster, common physiological responses upon processing this type of information are a steady elevation of one side of the upper lip and a narrowing of the eyes. This is not only because hipsters are disinterested by sports-related information and consider it a waste of mental space similar to the way that some politically-minded Americans feel after hearing celebrity gossip or watching reality television; hipsters shun all sports related things because they actually have an instinctual aversion. In fact, according to ground-breaking research, hipsters experience a knee-jerk reaction of loathing when the prospect of participating in sporting activities, viewing sports on television, or even wearing sports paraphernalia emerges. (Note: The only time hipsters will take on an interest in sports is when it has some kind of ironic quality. For example, hipsters from northwestern Ohio will wear “Cleveland Browns” sports garb and even occasionally attend an event only because the team is known for perpetually losing and also has several bars dedicated it.)

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#4) Being described by arrogant yuppies

Saturday, August 2, 2008

If you are a hipster fence-sitter like me or are just plain in-denial, here is a test to see if you are a hipster or not. First, watch this video:

Next, view the chart I’ve mapped according to my precise calculations to determine your level of hipsterdom.

00 because NO ONE could possibly watch this video for longer than that without being annoyed)

As you can see, the faster this video annoys you, the more of a hipster you are.

(note: The graph is undefined for X values greater than 1:00 minute because NO ONE could possibly watch this video for longer than that without being annoyed.)

And for the “I’m so not a hipster,” guy, I’ve got some bad news…

#1) Hipsters

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Hipsters have a particular disdain for their peers. They are ruthless when it comes to criticizing the outfits/haircuts/body modifications of the other people around them, and often hold impromptu competitions to see who can spot the biggest hipster in the room. Winner would take all, if he cared – which he doesn’t. You know you have encountered a true hipster his first utterance when entering a venue is “Jesus, this place is crawling with hipsters.”

I can't stand these fucking people

("I can't stand these fucking people")

The hipster will not make any attempt to whisper or conceal his disdain for one reason and one reason only: the hipster does not believe that he is a hipster. Just as Clayton Bigsby, the blind white supremacist played by Dave Chapelle, goes about his life unaware that he is actually black, hipsters attend free showings of movies like A Wet Hot American Summer and The Virgin Suicides at McCarren Park Pool blissfully unaware that they are not really as ironic as they think they are. (Note: any attempt to inform a hipster that he actually is a hipster should be considered futile; be prepared for an incredulous stink eye followed by immediate nonchalance.)