[Hipster Scouting: Beacon’s Closet]
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
The other day I did something that I will admit is one of my closet hipster likes — I went shopping at Beacon’s Closet (pretty much the hipster equivalent of Macy’s or Bloomingdale’s). OK, so it’s not very closeted after my last post, and it’s not just a like: it’s a borderline obsession.
It was during this 4 hour session of mindless self-indulgence that I realized something profound.
There is a saying that some people (usually over-the-hill relatives) like to use, most likely when attempting to relate to/console troubled teens: “We all put our pants on the same way — one leg at a time.” (“Sonny.”)
I was trying to find the perfect attire to wear to an event I will be attending on Friday (more to come on that later) and I went so far as to try on the red flag of hipsterdom: skinny jeans. Believe it or not, it was my first time attempting such a feat. I tried on maybe 10 pairs, wrenching and wrestling with them as their seams squeezed the life out of my ankles! I thought I had found a semi-acceptable pair, a black and white-vertically striped garment that made my ass look incredible, but fortunately I could not button the button for fear of my GI-tract. If I could have I probably would have been forced to buy them and then it would all be over.
It was then I realized: Hipsters do not put their pants on in any way remotely similar to other human beings. Hipster pants-wearing requires types of stretching, twisting, muscular lifting and jumping that average people only do when training for certain Olympic sporting events.
It was also during this shopping venture that I learned those calculator watches actually DO have a purpose and are not just worn to achieve the “nerdy chic” look: They are for hipsters to calcualte their totals at Beacon’s Closet! I spotted one poking furiously at one as he exited the dressing area! Who knew?