[Hipster Scouting: Beacon’s Closet]

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The other day I did something that I will admit is one of my closet hipster likes — I went shopping at Beacon’s Closet (pretty much the hipster equivalent of Macy’s or Bloomingdale’s).  OK, so it’s not very closeted after my last post, and it’s not just a like: it’s a borderline obsession.

It was during this 4 hour session of mindless self-indulgence that I realized something profound.

There is a saying that some people (usually over-the-hill relatives) like to use, most likely when attempting to relate to/console troubled teens: “We all put our pants on the same way — one leg at a time.” (“Sonny.”)

I was trying to find the perfect attire to wear to an event I will be attending on Friday (more to come on that later) and I went so far as to try on the red flag of hipsterdom: skinny jeans. Believe it or not, it was my first time attempting such a feat. I tried on maybe 10 pairs, wrenching and wrestling with them as their seams squeezed the life out of my ankles! I thought I had found a semi-acceptable pair, a black and white-vertically striped garment that made my ass look incredible, but fortunately I could not button the button for fear of my GI-tract. If I could have I probably would have been forced to buy them and then it would all be over.

It was then I realized: Hipsters do not put their pants on in any way remotely similar to other human beings. Hipster pants-wearing requires types of stretching, twisting, muscular lifting and jumping that average people only do when training for certain Olympic sporting events.

Sorry, Grandpa.

It was also during this shopping venture that I learned those calculator watches actually DO have a purpose and are not just worn to achieve the “nerdy chic” look: They are for hipsters to calcualte their totals at Beacon’s Closet! I spotted one poking furiously at one as he exited the dressing area! Who knew?


7 Responses to “[Hipster Scouting: Beacon’s Closet]”

  1. except... said

    …skinny jeans have been around since the 70s, so the tight-pants-dance has been around for quite a while.

  2. MAA said

    I feel like someone who would calculate a total on a calculator watch might not actually need a calculator watch… hold on I’m getting paged.. later

  3. nic said

    what’s worse than skinny jeans? those tight ass spandex leggings AA sells. buy only if you want a yeast infection, that’s how they should market it!

  4. lik said

    i’ve a question sra. lola.

    your blog borders on hysteria in it’s prose, yet i feel i’m being duped because the title of your blog, “stuff hipsters don’t like,” lends one to believe that you’re writing from the outside looking in on the scene. But lately it seems more and more that you are actually in the scene in a rather indulgent manner, yet totally making fun of the little kids who are in it with you. the question, then, is do they even realize you’re exploiting the shit out of them for your own pseudo blogger celebrity? that would be an interesting post.

  5. OG hipsta said

    A reply to the last comment. A Hipsters greatest pastime includes talkin shit on the scene and other hipsters. In general all hipsters hate ‘hipsters’. the difference is that now that the scene is filled to the brim with fake hipster poseurs and you have sites like this it makes it more genuine to say you hate ”hipsters” (thats right, double commas to denote squares hipsters who pretend to be elitist hipsters – which are then hated on by the people who actually DJ, play music, throw shows and make their own clothes.) I think if the guy was a real hipster he would be making fun of fake irony (which he does but judging by the pictures the guy isn’t – not to say that looks are the only thing that identify a hipster) as used by the hipster – seeing as how long time hipsters went post-ironic in 2001.

  6. sometimes skinny jeans are not comfortable to wear, i would always prefer to use loos jeans :.~

  7. I agree with your [Hipster Scouting: Beacon's Closet] Stuff Hipsters Don’t Like, fantastic post.

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