[Hipster scouting: Rockaway Beach]

Monday, September 1, 2008

Typically when people engage in summer activities, they dress in a certain way that minimizes heat close to the body and allows for perspiration to occur. Wearing minimal clothing also allows the sun to have contact with the skin, causing a cascade of enzymatic reactions that doctors believe to cause beneficial effects on mood and skin-tone. Some common items of summer clothing include shorts — or the hipster variation, jorts — tank tops, and loose-fitting t-shirts. This is especially the case when the potential for swimming exists, as people do not typically enter water wearing tight, restrictive clothing. This of course excludes divers, who wear wetsuits. It is also customary to wear light colors during times of extended sun exposure, as dark colors absorb the suns rays and increase heat.

I myself was wearing a red bikini at Rockaway beach earlier this week, allowing for maximal heat deflection and sun exposure. As I was laying in the sand enjoying the scenery, I spotted something out of the ordinary: a dark figure approaching on the horizon…

Using high-tech equipment to magnify the image, it became apparent that the figure was actually a hipster, walking with legs askew and holding what appears to be some kind of contained liquid.

As the hipster walked nearer, it became obvious that he was not merely lost, but completely disoriented. This hipster had no idea A) that he was on a beach B) that it was August and C) that it was actually 80 degrees. I watched the hipster intently, trying to decipher what was going on in his head.

He appeared to be contemplating which bar he would attend later that evening, or possibly life itself. For hipsters, thinking about where best to display one’s skin-tight women’s pants sometimes causes an existential crisis.

Then, to my surprise, he joined some other hipsters who were seated nearest to me on the stretch of unpopulated beach. I was shocked that I had not noticed them until this point.

The hipster stared with what I can only assume is ironic disdain, but might possibly be longing heavily disguised longing, which is pretty much the same thing in hipster logic.

For the entirety of their duration, the hipster males did not remove any clothing — especially not their black skinny jeans (although one rolled his approximately two folds and sported a pale blue bonnet). I can only imagine the suffering that ensued. Unfortunately, there were no other hipsters on the beach to see them and increase their street cred

The two hipster males were in the company of two hipster females and proceeded to engage in what I guess is some sort of courtship ritual. At one point, one of the females boldly removed her jorts! She then ran to one of the hipster males, who was staring contemplatively into the sea. Upon reaching him though, she put her shorts right back on! This action baffled me and I am still at a loss of how to interpret this behavior. I will take suggestions in the comment field.

Also during the period of courtship activities, or perhaps maybe to relieve their pain and bring them closer to nature, the four proceeded to conduct a beach yoga session. Unfortunately, I was laughing too hard to capture this on film.

And then, just as quickly as they came onto the scene, they packed up their booze and descended across the shore in an epic procession.

I don’t know who they were or what part of Williamsburg they came from, but I hope to see them again someday — if not to understand the meaning of their rituals, then to snag that hot blue bonnet.

Dizamn.

Dizamn.

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12 Responses to “[Hipster scouting: Rockaway Beach]”

  1. Mark said

    I love me some jorts! i’d be surprised if there were no other hipsters to witness this, why else would they be there if it wasnt an obvious or underground known hipster mating ground??? Exemplified by this on again off again jorts staring at the sea ( he was prly thinking about the cure) ritual.

    ps these seem to be some les hipsters ol skool way beyond burg

  2. red said

    What? No pic of the red bikini? I’m done with this blog!

  3. sarah said

    ha!

    your blog is awesome! just found it via a link on another & have been laughing for about 15 minutes. :)

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  5. […] via] Hipsters at the Beach Let’s not let this happen again this summer. Can we all promise each […]

  6. when summer comes, our summer activity ranges from kayaking to mountain climbing and also hiking too “~”

  7. […] the working class locals have yet to complain about the temporary summer influx of irony and jorts, the article follows on the heels of The New York Times’ own coverage of the tattooed, […]

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  11. this is pretty…. boring. Wow you saw some hipsters on a beach! This is actually what you’re doing with your free time, this is your creative outlet? Writing snarky things about people you don’t know who fit some vague, undefined ideal of “hipster”? Their just people, it’s you who are putting them into weird stereotypes, and I don’t think that that’s an okay thing to do for anyone regardless of race, gender, or “style”. It’s depressing to read this. Also, I’m writing this from the perspective of a mid twenties guy from a major city who I guess on some days you would deem a “hipster” just by my clothes and treat me with utter disdain. Really sad.

  12. Also to follow up, you’d probably assume for no reason that I was rich, middle class, and spoiled. In reality I grew up in extreme poverty, worked hard my entire life, and am trying to make it in my chosen field. Sorry that some clothes I decided to buy for some reason offend you so horrible. I don’t know, there’s just something so predictably cruel, it’s the most boring and common sort of judgement that people pass on one another. I have a question, would you be okay with a website called “Stuff Black People Don’t Like”, or “Stuff Poor People Don’t Like”? I hate the idea that you would take pictures of a complete stranger just to make fun of him, it’s such a tired and meanspirited thing to do. There are people who “stare disdainfully” who dress in all types of clothes, there are assholes and spoiled brats as well as kind-hearted and generous people who present themselves to the world in an endless variety of styles. It just seems to limiting to go through your day targetting some ill-defined thing “you don’t like”. No, I’m not anyone in these pictures, this just struck me as such an unkind and closedminded little worldview you’ve cultivated. I guess that some people who dress like this were mean to you? Well, yeah, people are mean to eachother, all sort of people, but people are also kind and loving. I’m sorry for rambling, I’ve just had a very stressful day, was almost evicted, can barely pay my rent, have no money for food, and although I know that there are judgmental and cruel people in the world, believe me I know, I just couldn’t imagine how devastated I would be if some stranger put a picture of me on the internet and followed it by baseless assumptions about my personality and background.

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