#13) Sports

Friday, August 22, 2008

So far in the Olympics, the American team is achieving victory over China on the overall ranks, taking 31 gold medals, 36 silvers and 35 bronze! Michael Phelps won eight gold medals! For the average American, delivery of this news would be met with emotions ranging from slight satisfaction to raging excitement, possibly prompting a high five or even a leaping chest bump.

But for the average hipster, common physiological responses upon processing this type of information are a steady elevation of one side of the upper lip and a narrowing of the eyes. This is not only because hipsters are disinterested by sports-related information and consider it a waste of mental space similar to the way that some politically-minded Americans feel after hearing celebrity gossip or watching reality television; hipsters shun all sports related things because they actually have an instinctual aversion. In fact, according to ground-breaking research, hipsters experience a knee-jerk reaction of loathing when the prospect of participating in sporting activities, viewing sports on television, or even wearing sports paraphernalia emerges. (Note: The only time hipsters will take on an interest in sports is when it has some kind of ironic quality. For example, hipsters from northwestern Ohio will wear “Cleveland Browns” sports garb and even occasionally attend an event only because the team is known for perpetually losing and also has several bars dedicated it.)

As researchers have hypothesized, the hipster dislike of sports is likely associated with abnormally low levels of androgen during development, the chemical that stimulates the male reproductive system to form in-utero and also that enables male hipsters to fit into skin-tight jeans and avoid excessive muscle tone, both of which increase the chance of mating and enable hipsters to withstand hours upon end of sitting in front of a computer screen surfing Williamsboard. This genetic quality is becoming more and more prevalent as hipsters evolve and diverge from the population with every new generation. (Note: Ironically, this trait does not diminish the hipster male’s capacity to grow porn ‘staches at will.)

Researchers suspect that the evolutionary purpose that links hipster androgyny and a dislike of sports is one based on survival. Because most male hipsters lack the natural defenses necessary to prevail in a situation where aggressive competition is present, such as in sports, hipsters have a heightened perception of aggression and instinctively avoid it. This is similar to many primates’ instinctual aversion to spiders and snakes.

This is why in the face of sports-related suggestions from non-hipster males, such as drunken push-up contests and having to move continuously at a fast pace, the hipster will immediately enact a psychological defense mechanism in which he appears to have reached some level of maturity over the competitor, invoking self-doubt and Jedi-mind-tricking him into awkward failure. For example, this often occurs when a male of the machismo phenotype suggests arm wrestling at a party. The hipster will vocalize immediate disdain for the idea, eliminating the aggressor’s opportunity to call the hipster a pussy. (Note: The aggressor may still call the hipster a pussy, but it will likely be minutes later when the testosterone rush clears and he is able to realize that he has, in fact, been burned. At this time the hipster will likely have left the room and be tampering with the host’s preselected i-Pod party mix.)

Volleyball, kickball and dodge ball are the few exceptions to this phenomenon of sports aversion, as hipsters can regularly be seen engaging in these activities at McCarren Park. Although technically classified as “sports,” the true object of these games when played by hipsters is to pick up potential mates by flaunting items of hipster apparel, such as anything neon and as short of shorts as as possible. Also, “playing sports” is an excuse for hipsters to draw attention to themselves by ironically brandishing Halloween costumes off-season.

As you can see from these photos, taken at a McCarren Park pool party, some popular sporting costumes include, “tourist,” “patriotic mechanic,” and “drunken snowboarder.”

The same genetic predisposition that causes hipsters to avoid aggressive sports also renders them incapable of using physical violence to assert dominance, get thrown out of bars and gain street cred – common behaviors observed in hypermasculine “machismo” populations. In fact, the height of violent tactics that are employed by a vindictive hipster is a passive-aggressive bang flip.

For example, in this video, “HIPSTER STAND OFF,” the hipsters involved demonstrated their dislike for one another by engaging in an epic battle of apathetic shrugging and hair tossing.

I also found this essay online that demonstrates the closest anything anyone has ever come to being jumped by hipsters. Here is an excerpt for your reading enjoyment:

“they had advanced on me quietly and i did not notice until they were almost on top of me!! well they did not so much attack me as sort of stand near me and nod their head out of time to the music and clutch their stubby five dollar beers! one hipster was standing directly behind me! i looked down at his feet and his vintage tennis shoes were only two inches behind mine, ready to step on my heels at any time!”

As you have learned today, hipsters are not aggressive creatures. Unless you have a desire to be scowled at and potentially embarrassed by a biting remark, I suggest avoiding all mention of sports or aggressive actions around hipsters.

____________________________________________________________________

Photos by Christophe Legris for Stuff Hipsters Don’t Like ©2008.

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6 Responses to “#13) Sports”

  1. Francesco said

    the Browns are from Cleveland. thats Northeast Ohio.

  2. Sca said

    hey sweetie! it was fun seeing you the other night. hope your throat is better. come up with me to BARD one of these upcoming weekends and explore the hipster world outside of williamsburg. i think it might make an interesting article. what do you think? give me a call.

  3. As much as I detest doing so, I can only paraphrase one of the writers for Frasier: “Hipsters don’t catch balls. Only bon mots and the occasional virus.”

  4. Hey, cool tips. Perhaps I’ll buy a glass of beer to that person from that forum who told me to visit your site :)

  5. scott langly said

    hipsters don’t like playing sports because they’re all skinny ass bitches that are afraid to be competitve because they know they’ll lose. maybe if hipsters went to the gym a little and worked out as much as most athletes do they would be a little physically fit. so hipsters, stop focusing on what skinny jeans will match your faggot ass non-prescription reading glasses and stop dissapointing whichever dead relative gave you the trust fund. you fucking disgust average americans.

  6. Slevin said

    I don’t think Scott understood this really.

    Speaking from an east-coast Canadian perspective, I think you should really point out that bicycle-riding is a “sport” that hipsters kind of enjoy. The prospect of “competing” in an alley-cat is something that is done almost exclusively by hipsters. I think this is partially because of the total lack of organization required to throw together such races.

    Our hipsters don’t really walk much here either. They can often be seen on a bicycle or some other form of active transportation.

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