[Hipster scouting: Craigslist New York]

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

One of the girls I share a Williamsburg artist loft with recently sent me this cry of desperation yuppie fantasy romance plea she came across in the Craigslist personals (I don’t know why she was looking through them. Don’t ask don’t tell, right?).

Anyway, I thought I would post this to give hipsters hope that, despite their outward standoffishness and unemployability, they too can find romance with the middle-aged banker of their dreams!

Banker looking for hipster

Who knows if it’ll work out?
You can’t wait to tear off my pinstripe suit. If you rip any buttons I’ll totally stretch out that tshirt you bought off etsy and pass off as your own.
On Monday nights you’ll try and get me to drink. You’ll think I won’t because I have an adult job. But I won’t because I want to be lucid for this week’s episode of The Hills.
The next day you’ll tell me that my job is boring and that you hate the Upper West Side. But the truth is that you kinda like making out in central park and enjoy that my bonus can cover all the grilled cheese sandwiches you dig. I’ll make fun of whatever dirty street you live on in Brooklyn, but I know it’s a lot more fun.
You’ll pretend you can cook and make me pancakes. I’ll probably distract you while you cook and you’ll probably burn them. It’s OK; I’ve got waffles in the freezer.
I don’t have to tell you what I do or my background. I’m great on paper (school, work, charities). I’m 6’1”…handsome and jewish/irish. You be cute, wear scarves, make witty/biting remarks, and have an infectious smile/laugh.
After a while I’ll probably become a vegetarian because of you and you’ll probably start bringing up op-eds from the wall street journal when you’re hanging out with your friends. It’s cool. Don’t fight it. I promise we’ll have the sweetest combined movie/CD collection of all the couples you know.
Send a PICTURE, AGE AND LOCATION. thanks. :)

I have a feeling that this scenario, should it be actualized by a lone hipsteress with a yuppie fetish, could lead to the most epic tale of unlikely romance of the century (think Pretty Woman but more high-tech and awkward). As a precaution, I will claim rights to that screenplay right now.

Be warned though: evolutionarily speaking, the human race has never experienced a cross of this kind. If said couple actually achieved a combined movie/CD collection that kept them together long enough to mate, the result would likely be a new species…

He can watch sports and pretend to listen while she tells him all about Catcher in the Rye...

He can count his money and pretend to listen while she tells him all about Catcher in the Rye...

According to evolutionary biologists, the yupster offspring would likely experience inclinations to both climb the corporate ladder (which would be met with seemingly unmotivated gifts from his father and poorly-masked glances of disappointment from his mother), and defy corporate dress codes by wearing neon ties and metallic converse high tops (earning grim diatribes from his father and loving gestures of acceptance from his mother). This will result in the need for staff psychologists to develop a whole new scale to measure neuroticism and an entire section in the DSM-IV manual, aka the crazy guide.

The yupster hybrid would go on to create intriguing controversy within the company but would ultimately end up quitting to explore the possibilities of his sub-par punk band (which would of course emply viral marketing schemes to gain followers) or move to Hollywood to direct the movie of the story of his sad existence. Both courses of action would inevitably result in failure (note: the directing plan had promise, but was unfortunately aborted due to an inadvertent copyright breach, followed by a hefty lawsuit).

Mr. Banker, I don’t know if your romantic quest will work out either, but I sure hope it doesn’t – for the sake of the children.


Photo of hipstress reading by Christophe Legris for Stuff Hipsters Don’t Like ©2008


13 Responses to “[Hipster scouting: Craigslist New York]”

  1. Mercy said

    doesn’t this happen on that show mad men?

  2. B.H. said

    The hipster could make a sacrifice by hooking up then subliminally influencing the bankster and deliver him from his capitalist ways.

    This could be the ultimate hipster true story to be told to future generations.


  3. segan1 said

    Ahahaha, that’s clever and adorable, his ad.

    – Segan

  4. red said

    Wait- I have a white-collar financial job, but I’m into indie music and indie movies. Does this make me a yupster?

  5. bananatree said

    Ha! Pure gold.

    I believe you have found a place in my blog roll.

  6. aeranis said

    Yes, Red, yes it does. But think of it this way: you can go to Panera Bread and drink PBR in equal measure without feeling self-conscious about either.

  7. Will said

    IT DID HAPPEN ON MAD MEN! you’re totally correct. And it was awkward the whole effing time

  8. Welcome to Vapid-dating.net

    Sounds like an epic troll to me.

  9. […] 15, 2008 I’ve noticed that some readers have responded to my [Hipster scouting: Craigslist New York] post – a tale of one banker’s plea for romance and seduction from a lone hipsteress – by […]

  10. […] Well, if this craigslister has his ‘druthers, then yes.  Yupsters. The new social malaise. […]

  11. Your blog is very interresting for me, i will come back here..

  12. If he has money & grilled cheese I’ll sleep with him. So is grilled cheese to hipsters what knives are to Elliot Smith?

  13. kikim said

    Yupsters totally already exist. Check out the entry level staff at any mid to large sized non profit and viola! yupsters.

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