#5) Gentrification

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Over the past 10 years, the town of Williamsburg has become the latest magnet for high-income business people, driving property value and the cost of living way up for all, including local Puertorriqueño, black and hipster populations. As a result, crime is at an all-time high (note: I really can’t verify that statistically, but two people definitely got stabbed with machetes by a gang in the nabe recently.)

When asked if the victims were also gang members, a police officer stationed nearby the scene replied, “Nah, they were probably some kids from Oklahoma who started shit with the people who have lived here their whole lives.”

While hipsters have multiple tattoos and like to dress “hard,” they are not actually skilled with martial arts or weaponry. It is likely that in this case, and many other gentrification-driven acts of violence, hipsters have been wrongfully targeted and blamed by those in financial duress, who confused them with the corporate tools who work so much they don’t even have the opportunity to walk around the streets after 10 pm to get attacked.

If there is one thing hipsters hate more than being victims of violent crime, it is being confused with young professionals. I mean, they wear nothing but navy pantsuits and topsiders.

Thus, hipsters view gentrification as a serious issue.

Aside from being offended by mistaken associations, hipsters naturally clash with the corporate-attire wielding market researchers and investment bankers slowly filling the luxury condos and artist lofts. This is not necessarily because hipsters are morally opposed to the corrupt processes that these people willingly feed with their employment, but because their oblivion is soo ironic it hurts a hipster’s mind to think about. The whole point of living in an artsy slum is to be able to work 3 shifts a week at a shitty coffee shop and have money for rent, drugs and concert tickets. But the gentrifiers in Williamsburg work 40-hour weeks and listen to bands like Bon Jovi, missing out on the finer points of the location they are co-opting.

Kristen Reynolds, 24 who recently moved to Williamsburg from Portland and works at a local restaurant, put the situation nicely:

“I mean, why should I have to take out more money from my trust fund in order to be able to live near some professional stock loser? I would rather be mugged than hear Elton John through my wall.”

Torn between living in immediate danger and immediate wet-towelness, gentrification has forced the hipsters to retreat to the north, unofficially designating “red zones” where hipsters are ill-advised to live. These zones can be seen by this carefully rendered map:

As you can see, the only areas not vetoed by the hipster population are within a 3-block radius from the north side of Bedford Avenue, and maybe Soho.

As you can see, the only areas not vetoed by the hipster population are within a 3-block radius from the north side of Bedford Avenue, and maybe Soho.

Hipsters also do not like gentrification because some righteous hippies on city council are using it as an excuse to close McCarren Pool (and by close I mean spend millions of dollars to make it an actual pool again). See the third thing Hipsters Don’t Like for more on this.

__________________________________________________________________

Map editing by Lola Wakefield for Stuff Hipsters Don’t Like ©2008

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9 Responses to “#5) Gentrification”

  1. old school said

    wah wah wah, hipsters dry your glitter filled tears on your man scarves

    The property values went up WHEN the HIPSTERS started moving in, not the when the high-income “bankers” started moving in.

    I’ve lived in williamsburg my whole life, on bedford avenue, when one side of grand street was all dominican/puerto rican and the other was all polish/ukrainian, with factories filling the space in between.

    Yes, maybe for the first couple of years the artists from the city, looking for a place close to the city to live/create their art found cheaper living in williamsburg. But very soon thereafter, it became a trendy place, and people from the midwest backed by mommy’s and daddy’s trust-fund money moved into the factories/converted lofts for THEM for $$$.

    Bars/Vegan Restaurants/Japanese restaurants all filled up the 1st floor apartments to feed the hipsters at 4am because they didnt work and yet still had money to buy silly clothes, yet the rents of all the apartments became ridiculous.

    Now, when the dorky “bankers” living in the city found out about how “cool” wburg is, they started hanging out there, and eventually moving into lofts to wet their own willies which had no action before, while they started wearing white studded belts and growing porn-stashes to fit in.

    Finally, within the last 2-3 years the sky rise apartments started getting built with reckless abandon, around mccarren, the river and anywhere within walkin distance of bedford ave. The demand was there because the neighborhood was extemely crowded already, and even MORE “bankers” wanted to move in.

    The neighborhood is just not that cool anymore. It was fun for a while because so many new restaurants and bars would open, where there was nothing before. But now its over-crowded. I sometimes let 4 L trains pass me by in the morning because I don’t want to squeeze in and have some dirty hipsters armpit in my face, blaring some new “hip” band with an ironic name through their ipod. And everyone looks exactly the same, listening to exactly the same music, complaining about exactly the same unimportant issues, it’s like a neighborhood of skinny tattooed zombies with tight white pants and enormous sunglasses on, all looking for brains because they don’t have any.

  2. Jair said

    tooooooooooootallty agree with the dude above

  3. ANTHONY NIEVES said

    completely agree with the first comment.

  4. Where do I get one a these Trust Fund thingies?

  5. xina said

    hipsters don’t like gentrification? they’re responsible for gentrification. poor, self-loathing hipsters.

  6. eastbay510 said

    yeah this is happening in the bay are also i grew up in oakland and moved out because my neighborhood got to expensive to live in now its filled with hipsters no joke the whole neighborhood is trendy douches but anyway i moved south of the east bay but the rest of my family mom and dads side still lives in oakland and we have a lot of friends in the area when i used to live there it wasnt to nice not alot of violence but a lot of drugs and prostitution now its all cafes and art gallery’s its a part of north oakland called the temescal neighbothood ive got a lot of friends in west oakland though and its happening throughout there neighborhoods too you get all these kids with money who live outside the city and come to move there off there parents money or there own but either way the value of the neighborhoods are going up making it more expensive for long time residents who cant afford it anymore and these kids move there just so they can say i live in Oakland its “cool” to live in a ghetto now these kids exploit it to because they can play there music loud all night have large partys and since no one wants to associate with cops in the neighborhood they get away with it hipster gentrification is goin on everywhere and these kids dont realize by moving in and making the cost of living go up they make it harder on residents who have been there their whole lives i guess being cool and living in oakland is worth making peoples lives harder for the youth in these neighborhoods who call it home thinking of moving out of mom and dads they wont be able to stay in the part of town they call there own because rent is going up and home owners would rather rent to a square looking white guy or cutesy girl rather then a minority or someone dressed in baggy cloths

  7. Flat 7 said

    […] expect these cultural products have much the same circularity as Stuff White People Like. They similarly fix a space for haters to […]

  8. thedood324 said

    stoopid fukin hipstars they lessen 2 sum ghey ass musik and where faggy clothen lol nuthuggers r four qeers and nerdy fukin hipstars artcade fier is the wurse ban i evar lissen 2 wusr than thet stoopid wrap musik fuk all hipstar asswholes

  9. Word on the first comment. It’s been happening in south Stockholm for years. Fucking hipsters I hate them

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