[Hipster scouting: Rockaway Beach]
Monday, September 1, 2008
Typically when people engage in summer activities, they dress in a certain way that minimizes heat close to the body and allows for perspiration to occur. Wearing minimal clothing also allows the sun to have contact with the skin, causing a cascade of enzymatic reactions that doctors believe to cause beneficial effects on mood and skin-tone. Some common items of summer clothing include shorts — or the hipster variation, jorts — tank tops, and loose-fitting t-shirts. This is especially the case when the potential for swimming exists, as people do not typically enter water wearing tight, restrictive clothing. This of course excludes divers, who wear wetsuits. It is also customary to wear light colors during times of extended sun exposure, as dark colors absorb the suns rays and increase heat.
I myself was wearing a red bikini at Rockaway beach earlier this week, allowing for maximal heat deflection and sun exposure. As I was laying in the sand enjoying the scenery, I spotted something out of the ordinary: a dark figure approaching on the horizon…
Using high-tech equipment to magnify the image, it became apparent that the figure was actually a hipster, walking with legs askew and holding what appears to be some kind of contained liquid.
As the hipster walked nearer, it became obvious that he was not merely lost, but completely disoriented. This hipster had no idea A) that he was on a beach B) that it was August and C) that it was actually 80 degrees. I watched the hipster intently, trying to decipher what was going on in his head.
He appeared to be contemplating which bar he would attend later that evening, or possibly life itself. For hipsters, thinking about where best to display one’s skin-tight women’s pants sometimes causes an existential crisis.
Then, to my surprise, he joined some other hipsters who were seated nearest to me on the stretch of unpopulated beach. I was shocked that I had not noticed them until this point.
The hipster stared with what I can only assume is ironic disdain, but might possibly be longing heavily disguised longing, which is pretty much the same thing in hipster logic.
For the entirety of their duration, the hipster males did not remove any clothing — especially not their black skinny jeans (although one rolled his approximately two folds and sported a pale blue bonnet). I can only imagine the suffering that ensued. Unfortunately, there were no other hipsters on the beach to see them and increase their street cred
The two hipster males were in the company of two hipster females and proceeded to engage in what I guess is some sort of courtship ritual. At one point, one of the females boldly removed her jorts! She then ran to one of the hipster males, who was staring contemplatively into the sea. Upon reaching him though, she put her shorts right back on! This action baffled me and I am still at a loss of how to interpret this behavior. I will take suggestions in the comment field.
Also during the period of courtship activities, or perhaps maybe to relieve their pain and bring them closer to nature, the four proceeded to conduct a beach yoga session. Unfortunately, I was laughing too hard to capture this on film.
And then, just as quickly as they came onto the scene, they packed up their booze and descended across the shore in an epic procession.
I don’t know who they were or what part of Williamsburg they came from, but I hope to see them again someday — if not to understand the meaning of their rituals, then to snag that hot blue bonnet.